You bastard. I hate you.
I meant to write sooner but I was delayed. As you can see, before I knew it, I found myself laying on the edge of the cliff, despondent. Under the gray dull sky, I was all alone. If I had rolled a bit to the right, I would had fallen to my demise. Luckily, I didn’t. And here I am.
As I laid there, I watched as the cloud hurriedly flying pass me, as if I’m not someone worth waiting for. And the wind too, vehemently blowing anything in their path, like they don’t have any care in the world. I cannot help but to stay put, bidding for heaven-sent aid.
I wonder how I end up there. I remembered bidding 2015 farewell, and excitedly relishing the chance to enjoy your company. I heard plenty of you, but I always want to see it for myself. I recalled the moment we joined hand and walked side-by-side. I hate to admit that I really had high hope and I was so anxious about you.
I also wrote a few plans of what I’m gonna do with you. A maximum preparation.
Yeah! Things get started. I was exuberated. The Sky was blue, the birds were singing, the trees were filled with morning dew. A total delight. I’m happy I can trust you. I had a feeling that this year was gonna an promising journey.
In fact, you were such a nice friend to have around. I was loving every moment with you. My expectation grew, so as my excitement.
Now I remember. You changed. Mid way through. All of sudden.
You start giving me troubles. From every corner, every facet, every layer… you brought troubles. The moment I solved one, you instantly brought up another one, then another one, then another one. I wish you would stopped but you didn’t. You brought more and more troubles and that’s the only thing you did the entire time. Give me a break.
I don’t know what to think of you now. Are you a friend? Or a foe? Are you here to help or to belittle me? Why are you making that smiley face? Don’t you see I’m not in the mood to play with that? Honestly, I still cannot decide. No, I’m so confused now.
Yeah, if I talked about how you brought me down, there would be numerous instances I could blame you for. In response, I have no choice but to make things right, or learn to look at things from a different angle. For instance, this year I put all my heart into making the Barcamp event a mayor success, but you gave me a never-ending rain and darkened my hope and dream. But if I was to succumb to such foul, then I would have hated myself even more. In fact, I had to throw away my pride and painfully accept this immediate reality. I knew I have a long way to go, but you didn’t have to remind me in such fashion. It’s so gross.
It’s quite hilarious that you were persistent about it too. Whenever I was sure I’ve managed one thing, you always did your best to stir up another chaos. Be it friends, family, jobs, projects, dreams, plans… and I have to go a great length to adjust, improvise and subdue the situation. As you can see, when someone tried to mess with me, I often offer back a fair fight. I don’t like losing at all.
So did you win? Don’t make me laugh.
But did I win? I don’t think so, or feel so. I feel that it was tough, coz on top of all the responsibilities that I’m shouldering, they were getting heavier. You were the one who add those stones to my scale, and I hate you for that. Who are you to decide how much should I carry? Who are you to understand how much I have sacrifice and tolerate to make the person I am today? Who are you to mock me and throw everything malicious at me as if that’s your leisure? Spare me some justice, for I never want to vilify you, or anybody.
Indeed, I learned from a certain someone that, I could blame my life on someone or something, but I must always take responsibility of my life. I might not be able to choose how the world will treat me, but I can always choose how I will treat the world. After all, we are, irrefutably the master of our own destiny.
Now that I re-think about this, my heart tells me not to fall into deeper despair, but to grasp the meaning behind all of this.
Maybe the gray Sky and the violent wind are trying to tell me something. But I wasn’t really listening. I was too deluded by my own dark cloud to open myself up to learning. Well, I hope things are cleared up by now.
2016, without a doubt, you left me nothing but pain, anger and frustration. But along the way, I picked up courage, resilience and patience. Did you intend this from the start? Did you mean to have me go through this experience so I could finally understand my limit and weakness?
Maybe I don’t hate you at all. Maybe I cannot bring myself to accept the fact that I owe you, that you guide me through, that you made me push harder. I hate to admit this, but nobody had ever made me understand my limit like you did, nobody had ever made me realized my weakness like you did. But when a man learn to love, he must bear the risk of hatred. Did you think I would love the way you treat me? I will not tell you, absolutely not.
Somehow, I could finally find the courage to stand up again. Honestly, I’m glad that I met you, although I don’t know whether I should thank you or not. Maybe, I should remain quiet. That’d be for the best.
I’m gonna remember you, 2016.
Fare you well.